Where's the "me" that I used to know? (Control is a 3 letter word)

 I left off my last blog with the news that my grandfather had slit his own throat. When I was contacted by another family member and heard what our grandfather had done I couldn't believe it! He had left a note stating that he was tired of waiting to go to Heaven to be with his wife, and that he didn't want a funeral. When I seen him last I had seen no signs of him having the desire to do this. He did talk a lot about his wife during our visit, and told me the story of how he ended up living in Florida. To think back now that he felt so heartbroken that he was able to take his only life, just breaks my heart! My cousin that found him had to of been in shock, and I hope and pray that he will be able to get that image out of his mind! When we got back to Ohio, we went to where my son was still living in the country for a bit. We eventually ended up going back to the state park where camping is permitted. I did my best to hold out living in the camper. But as the weather started ...

 Over the next few days I was finding it difficult to breathe. I felt a great deal of pressure in my upper abdominal area, and it was so sore under my left breast that I had to literally place my arm under my breast, and hold it up any time that I was sitting up, standing up, or walking around. I'm not sure if any of you have ever had internal pain coming from an organ before, but it is a sensation that I had never felt before, and it is a whole different kind of pain! I called my oncologist to update them that I was going on a couple weeks with my spleen still feeling as if it were swollen, and I was back at work. I explained that I couldn't handle the amount of pain that I was in when I was upright, and that I couldn't do my job professionally. My office has people coming in it all day long, and I wasn't about to walk around holding my breast up, so that it could at least provide me a little relief from the amount of pain I was in. So the doctor wanted me to come back...